1) The obnoxious teenager.
Chews gum very loudly. Either has a fabulously banal conversation on her mobile phone with other obnoxious teenagers that include words like, "wicked man", "da bomb" and "safe yeah", or play loud 'thump thump' music on their shitty speakers on said mobile phone. Smells like bubble gum.
Actions to take: Turn the volume up on iPod and stare straight ahead.
Chews gum very loudly. Either has a fabulously banal conversation on her mobile phone with other obnoxious teenagers that include words like, "wicked man", "da bomb" and "safe yeah", or play loud 'thump thump' music on their shitty speakers on said mobile phone. Smells like bubble gum.
Actions to take: Turn the volume up on iPod and stare straight ahead.
2) Wobbly granny.
Creeps onto the bus at a worringly wobbly pace and spends a few minutes riffling in her handbag for her bus pass. Almost does a somersault when the driver pulls away without giving her a chance to sit down. Smiles at all the screaming babies and haggard mothers. Smells like musty humbugs from 1972.
Actions to take: Smile and nod politely when she waxes lyrical about her seemingly endless lineage of grandchildren.
Creeps onto the bus at a worringly wobbly pace and spends a few minutes riffling in her handbag for her bus pass. Almost does a somersault when the driver pulls away without giving her a chance to sit down. Smiles at all the screaming babies and haggard mothers. Smells like musty humbugs from 1972.
Actions to take: Smile and nod politely when she waxes lyrical about her seemingly endless lineage of grandchildren.
3) The drunk.
Staggers onto the bus and shouts at everyone to smile - after all it's *hic* Tuesday afternoon man, yeah! Has an uncomfortable *hic* mainly one-sided conversation with the first person unwise enough to make eye contact. Tries to light *hic* up a cigarette, and then apologises profusely *hic* when someone tentatively reminds him he isn't allowed *hic* to. Smells like a brewery.
Actions to take: Get off the bus a few stops early and walk. Yes, even if it's raining.
Staggers onto the bus and shouts at everyone to smile - after all it's *hic* Tuesday afternoon man, yeah! Has an uncomfortable *hic* mainly one-sided conversation with the first person unwise enough to make eye contact. Tries to light *hic* up a cigarette, and then apologises profusely *hic* when someone tentatively reminds him he isn't allowed *hic* to. Smells like a brewery.
Actions to take: Get off the bus a few stops early and walk. Yes, even if it's raining.
4) The professional.
Marches onto the bus talking at 50 decibels into an impossibly small mobile telephone about "the guys", "the office", "last weeks figures" and "the pieces of skirt on reception". Wears a loud and cheap looking suit and carries a laptop case (likely to be sans-laptop). Can't be doing as well as he would like everyone else on the bus to think, as he clearly doesn't have his own transport. Smells of way too much aftershave.
Actions to take: Pull your skirt down to cover your legs as much as possible and button up your jacket when he grins in your general direction.
Marches onto the bus talking at 50 decibels into an impossibly small mobile telephone about "the guys", "the office", "last weeks figures" and "the pieces of skirt on reception". Wears a loud and cheap looking suit and carries a laptop case (likely to be sans-laptop). Can't be doing as well as he would like everyone else on the bus to think, as he clearly doesn't have his own transport. Smells of way too much aftershave.
Actions to take: Pull your skirt down to cover your legs as much as possible and button up your jacket when he grins in your general direction.
5) The trenchcoat.
Round glasses. Receding hairline emphasising a sweaty forehead. Non-descript ankle length trenchcoat (even in June). Shifty eyes darting in all possible directions. You have a feeling there is a body buried in his back garden.
Actions to take: Run. Fast.
Round glasses. Receding hairline emphasising a sweaty forehead. Non-descript ankle length trenchcoat (even in June). Shifty eyes darting in all possible directions. You have a feeling there is a body buried in his back garden.
Actions to take: Run. Fast.
I really need a car!
Inspired by Lev Yilmaz's "Tales of Mere Existence" video "How I sit on the bus"www.talesofmereexistence.com http://www.youtube.com/user/AgentXPQ?feature=chclk
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